despite my current emotional status, i feel i'm standing at the top of a mountain viewing my life's accomplishments to date.
what exactly do i have to show for my time on earth?
don't get me wrong, i'm not into materials. i don't care that i don't have a great car or some flash pad in the city. what i mean is, what have i achieved?
spending the last week in bed has been incredibly difficult for me but was a necessity brought about by a lingering chest infection that sounds more like a small gerbil running excitedly around my chest than anything else. of course i'm ill, it's the holidays. i've worked my butt off day in and day out trying to prove to my boss that i really am worth it (though never quite believing it myself) and in doing so, have exhausted myself. this down-time has led to some serious self-reflection, though how helpful it has been remains to be seen.
that's part of my problem though, isn't it? in wondering what i have to show for my life, i can quite easily negate almost all of my accomplishments because that's just the kind of girl i is. i have a home and a car but they're just things. i have a really good job but i'm never quite coping. i have a loving family but they're not my kids. i found myself happier after my divorce but i'm still single.
i'm not surprised i'm dissatisfied with my life when i really think about it. i spend so much time not letting people down, being the person they expect me to be that there's no time to be me. i'm all about being loved, needed and wanted that i'll do almost anything to fulfil that role, even if it's to my detriment.
it leaves me wondering: if i was truly me, would any of my (ungratefully considered) accomplishments remain?
