nope, not feeling great

despite my current emotional status, i feel i'm standing at the top of a mountain viewing my life's accomplishments to date.

what exactly do i have to show for my time on earth?

don't get me wrong, i'm not into materials. i don't care that i don't have a great car or some flash pad in the city. what i mean is, what have i achieved?

spending the last week in bed has been incredibly difficult for me but was a necessity brought about by a lingering chest infection that sounds more like a small gerbil running excitedly around my chest than anything else. of course i'm ill, it's the holidays. i've worked my butt off day in and day out trying to prove to my boss that i really am worth it (though never quite believing it myself) and in doing so, have exhausted myself. this down-time has led to some serious self-reflection, though how helpful it has been remains to be seen.

that's part of my problem though, isn't it? in wondering what i have to show for my life, i can quite easily negate almost all of my accomplishments because that's just the kind of girl i is. i have a home and a car but they're just things. i have a really good job but i'm never quite coping. i have a loving family but they're not my kids. i found myself happier after my divorce but i'm still single.

i'm not surprised i'm dissatisfied with my life when i really think about it. i spend so much time not letting people down, being the person they expect me to be that there's no time to be me. i'm all about being loved, needed and wanted that i'll do almost anything to fulfil that role, even if it's to my detriment.

it leaves me wondering: if i was truly me, would any of my (ungratefully considered) accomplishments remain?

yummy chocolate cake

Ingredients

Ingredients

• 200g good quality dark chocolate , about 60% cocoa solids
• 200g butter , cut in pieces
• 1 tbsp instant coffee granules
• 85g self-raising flour
• 85g plain flour
• 1⁄4 tsp bicarbonate of soda
• 200g light muscovado sugar
• 200g golden caster sugar
• 25g cocoa powder
• 3 medium eggs
• 75ml buttermilk (5 tbsp)
• grated chocolate or curls, to decorate

FOR THE GANACHE

• 200g good-quality dark chocolate , as above
• 284ml carton double cream (pouring type)
• 2 tbsp golden caster sugar

Method

1. Butter a 20cm round cake tin (7.5cm deep) and line the base. Preheat the oven to fan 140C/conventional 160C/ gas 3. Break the chocolate in pieces into a medium, heavy-based pan. Tip in the butter, then mix the coffee granules into 125ml/4fl oz cold water and pour into the pan. Warm through over a low heat just until everything is melted - don't overheat. Or melt in the microwave on Medium for about 5 minutes, stirring half way through.
2. While the chocolate is melting, mix the two flours, bicarbonate of soda, sugars and cocoa in a big bowl, mixing with your hands to get rid of any lumps. Beat the eggs in a bowl and stir in the buttermilk.
3. Now pour the melted chocolate mixture and the egg mixture into the flour mixture, stirring just until everything is well blended and you have a smooth, quite runny consistency. Pour this into the tin and bake for 1 hour 25- 1 hour 30 minutes - if you push a skewer in the centre it should come out clean and the top should feel firm (don't worry if it cracks a bit). Leave to cool in the tin (don't worry if it dips slightly), then turn out onto a wire rack to cool completely.
4. When the cake is cold, cut it horizontally into three. Make the ganache: chop the chocolate into small pieces and tip into a bowl. Pour the cream into a pan, add the sugar, and heat until it is about to boil. Take off the heat and pour it over the chocolate. Stir until the chocolate has melted and the mixture is smooth.
5. Sandwich the layers together with just a little of the ganache. Pour the rest over the cake letting it fall down the sides and smoothing to cover with a palette knife. Decorate with grated chocolate or a pile of chocolate curls. The cake keeps moist and gooey for 3-4 days.

Cuts into 14 slices

Preparation and cooking times

Prep 30 - 40 mins

Cook 1 hr - 1 hr 30 mins

aarrgghh

*snap*

*rantyrantrantrant*

oh dear jesus, does she even realise how disrespectful she is being right now. i've told her i have no money, i've told her i'm having trouble paying the rent right now. so why is she being such a dick? because she only thinks of herself, that's why.

rent paid? nup
secretly turning the heating up/on all night when t's not looking? yup
boyfriend/looming ex living at t's house for free? yup
arguing with boyfriend into the small hours? yup
sticking posters to bedroom wall with parcel tape? yup
caring what t thinks? nup

we're going to have to have *that* chat tomorrow...

*furious*

not all it's cracked up to be

you know, i often say 'i'm feeling much better now, i'm over that whinging spell' when i'm right at the bottom of the pit of despair.

even i get sick of hearing the 101 excuses of 'why t is pathetic and such a victim'