shit!

that's what my day was about. shit. awesome. who knew my job was going to be so glamorous.

my friend called tonight to tell me that she loved me and that i needed to be more positive because people love me. i know i am loved, i just forget.

i forget because i'm finding everything so much of a challenge that even deciding which undercrackers to wear every morning can have me in tears.

that's not right, is it? *sad*

my boss is mainly unsympathetic. she gave me the promotion and i took it. tough tits.
my friends are trying to be supportive but i push them away because i'm paid to do this work so i'm not about to give it to them to do.

i think i need to crawl into a hole this weekend and use that time to pull my head out of my arse. i sound like a pathetic teenager.

if all else fails, see you at monkeyworld in the summer. i'll be working behind the till. *ching*

crossroads

i'm feeling a little wobbly today. i feel like i'm standing at the crossroads and trying to choose my direction but i'm also aware there's a huge chance i'm going to be run over if i step out on my choice.

my diet and exercise plan has gone well over the last few weeks and though a little sporadic, seems to still be moving in the right direction.

i understand the basic principles, i'm an educated woman. eat stuff, do exercise to burn it off or you'll put weight on. do even more exercise to burn off a little extra. it's science.

the problem is my emotional eating habits. i've been ill for 6 days now with flu and conjunctivitis so bouncing around to my wii active has pretty much been a no no for the last 4 days or so. being confined to the house means that i can't get out to get my weekly supply of fresh fruit and veg. i know what you're thinking - here come the 'why i'm still fat' excuses. it's not that at all, i'm just building up a picture here.

i am so desperate not to be the fattest girl in the room any more that despite being house bound, contagious and ill, i still want to lose weight. i can't exercise, i just don't have the energy. i don't have the energy because i don't have anything fresh in to eat and i'd rather not eat than slip back into my old eating habits.

my problem is that i always go one of two ways: i either binge and hate myself or i starve and love myself. why is that? i don't know exactly but i'm guessing having an anorexic mother who put immense pressure on me to be thin throughout the first 15 years of my life might have something to do with it. as long as the weight was coming off, it was all good. she could't understand why the weight went back on so quickly after making me stay up til midnight exercising and after spending an entire year eating a diet comprising only of cottage cheese, crackers, cabbage and boiled fish. what she didn't see was me eating chocolate bars in the bathroom as i cried because my mother hated me so much she starved me.

don't get me wrong, it's not her fault. she had/has her own issues and that i chose to listen is my call. it's just that i've conditioned myself over the years to think that thin is better than fat and as i've always been fat, i've always hated myself. not just disliked the fat bits. actually despised who i was, what i'd become and what i stood for.

i've always thought i was a strong person. i'm really embracing trying to do things the right way. i am working so hard to eat more, to get my metabolism working, to exercise and burn off those calories in a positive way.

sitting here in my bedroom though, i got a little kick out of losing weight this week even though there was no exercise at all. the thought i'm pushing right to the back of my mind though is 'yeah, but you haven't eaten for two days now either though'.

*yawn*

i accidentally had 16 hours sleep last night.

i was struggling yesterday and so thought i'd just lay on top of the bed at around 4pm to read my book. i hadn't turned the tv off, hadn't fed myself or the cats and i hadn't even locked the door. 16 hours later, i awoke properly (though i had quite an unsettled sleep with lots of nightmares and chases, all told) to find that it was 8am on sunday.

i'm a bit confused by it all and feel like i've wasted my weekend and i'm not really sure where i am. it's all a bit twilight zone. my head is in saturday, my body is in sunday. eek.

an anniversary of sorts

today i'm remembering my friend jennie. 28, married with a 2 year old son and known and loved by so many people. she died 4 years ago today of cancer.

can't really describe how i feel today apart from the obvious 'emotional'. i can't explain why jen's cancer and death hit me harder than losing some of my extended family members. i guess the difference is that i am not crying for myself today. i'm not crying about how much i miss her or how i miss our friendship, though i obviously do, but how awful it was for 'us' as a community to deal with her death and live without her.

rather mystifyingly, jen's illness and death brought me so much. i feel selfish when i admit that through her circumstances, many friendships were forged and i now count many of her family and friends amongst my closest friends. friends in a life that was lonely and loveless, friends who have saved me from a meagre existance.

she wasn't a saint by any means, that's not the purpose of this post. she was a wickedly funny, vibrant and caring friend who had such a massive impact on both my professional and personal life and i'd like to thank her for that today.

love you jen [::]

come on!

get some frigging work done, girl. you can't complain that you have no time to do things if you don't do them when you have the time!

/note to self

i need to remember

how lucky i am.

i've got a good job, my own home, a car and plenty of really good friendships. my family are a bit odd but they're here for me and they care.

i guess it's all too easy to think about all of the negative things that aren't right instead of focussing on the positives.

*note to self* you are awesome!

so, how are you?