i'm feeling a little wobbly today. i feel like i'm standing at the crossroads and trying to choose my direction but i'm also aware there's a huge chance i'm going to be run over if i step out on my choice.
my diet and exercise plan has gone well over the last few weeks and though a little sporadic, seems to still be moving in the right direction.
i understand the basic principles, i'm an educated woman. eat stuff, do exercise to burn it off or you'll put weight on. do even more exercise to burn off a little extra. it's science.
the problem is my emotional eating habits. i've been ill for 6 days now with flu and conjunctivitis so bouncing around to my wii active has pretty much been a no no for the last 4 days or so. being confined to the house means that i can't get out to get my weekly supply of fresh fruit and veg. i know what you're thinking - here come the 'why i'm still fat' excuses. it's not that at all, i'm just building up a picture here.
i am so desperate not to be the fattest girl in the room any more that despite being house bound, contagious and ill, i still want to lose weight. i can't exercise, i just don't have the energy. i don't have the energy because i don't have anything fresh in to eat and i'd rather not eat than slip back into my old eating habits.
my problem is that i always go one of two ways: i either binge and hate myself or i starve and love myself. why is that? i don't know exactly but i'm guessing having an anorexic mother who put immense pressure on me to be thin throughout the first 15 years of my life might have something to do with it. as long as the weight was coming off, it was all good. she could't understand why the weight went back on so quickly after making me stay up til midnight exercising and after spending an entire year eating a diet comprising only of cottage cheese, crackers, cabbage and boiled fish. what she didn't see was me eating chocolate bars in the bathroom as i cried because my mother hated me so much she starved me.
don't get me wrong, it's not her fault. she had/has her own issues and that i chose to listen is my call. it's just that i've conditioned myself over the years to think that thin is better than fat and as i've always been fat, i've always hated myself. not just disliked the fat bits. actually despised who i was, what i'd become and what i stood for.
i've always thought i was a strong person. i'm really embracing trying to do things the right way. i am working so hard to eat more, to get my metabolism working, to exercise and burn off those calories in a positive way.
sitting here in my bedroom though, i got a little kick out of losing weight this week even though there was no exercise at all. the thought i'm pushing right to the back of my mind though is 'yeah, but you haven't eaten for two days now either though'.
i think that losing weight is one of the toughest things out there. It sounds simple and everyone gets the science behind it, but the emotional issues of why you became fat in the first place are really overwhelming and difficult to deal with.
ReplyDeletei feel really jealous of all those people for whom food isn't an issue at all, it must be so nice!
i am struggling like crazy at the mo, we clearly need to help motivate each other. [::]
celebrate the weight loss and keep at it, we can't turn back now, we just can't.
I know what you mean about feeling good when you don't eat. it does feel kinda cool that it's so "easy" to lose weight - just not eating. somehow the will to be thin is stronger than the common sense that tells us that we need food to survive.
ReplyDeletemy biggest reason for wanting to lose weight is so that I can stop thinking about it. I've been constantly "about to" lose weight for... forever. never did, though. I think you guys are doing great, and I'm going to kick off my iaido practicing for real next term and I'm going to try to live up to your example. :) you're a strong woman, even if it doesn't always feel like it.
I hope you feel better soon. [::] love
Not much I can say here without being hated.
ReplyDeleteAll I can say is that, speaking as a heterosexual bloke, you're gorgeous and definitely loveable. As Linda says, you're strong, even if you don't always feel it.
LOve you [::]