fat is the new black

so tonight i had rather an embarrassing moment. went off to a quiz night held at work. didn't want to go but the numbers were looking low and it was a fundraiser for us so i felt obliged. i persuaded people, used emotional blackmail and finally cobbled a team together. we were never going to win but we were at least going to have a good time.

getting ready, i decided to have a little fun. i put away the muppets t-shirt and hoody i had planned to wear and instead went for something a bit more sexy, more revealing and, of course, black. i added a touch of slap and dug out my schmexy black boots...

yum

once there, we were merrily banding our way through a whole host of wrong answers when the head of the committee told me that as i would be receiving the cash raised from the evening on behalf of our establishment, i was required to make a speech at the end.

whowhatnow?

from that point on, i was in agony. what would everyone think of my clothes? would they talk about my weight? would i have to squeeze past anyone to get to the stage? how could they take me seriously when i'm such a fattie? i had the sweats, my stomach was turning, my head was spinning. all because people would be looking at me. arses. the remaining team members jollied through the rest of the quiz oblivious to my inner turmoil.

then *fanfare* the time came. i took my place. as usual, i started with a self-depreciating joke and went on from there once they were all laughing...at me.

it was fairly painless, i must admit, but i felt sick. my friend leaned over and grabbed my hand, looked me in the eye and said "they love you. everyone loves you. you are respected here and the only person that thinks you're horrible, fat and not worthy is you. and possibly that ugly guy in the corner with the wonky eye." i laughed and we left without a prize but thankful we weren't last.

it got me to thinking about this stupid diet. i've put more weight on since i started it than i have lost. i'm an emotional eater but i eat because i hate myself for being fat and ugly. i hate myself for presenting my awfulness in such a way that people feel it's ok to comment on. i wouldn't go up to someone and say "hey joe, how's your arse off for lovebites?" or "ooh mary, that spot looks really painful. you should try having a wash." why then is it ok for people to tell me that i'd have a boyfriend/husband/more friends/baby if i just lost the weight?

the answer is simple.

it's not.

i have been an enabler.

i have made it ok for people to say things like that to me because i've expected it and, even worse, i've always got the first kick in.

i'm an idiot.

i need to love myself.

question is, how does one go about such frivolity?

answers on a postcard or, you know, write them on here. duh.