swings and roundabouts

wow.

my life feels like a film right now. i can't wait for it to finish so that i can move on and do something far more normal and safe.

we got the call at school. we got ofsted in.

oh

my

god

never in the history of my life have i lost my appetite. never. not even when i got divorced.

i didn't eat for 3 days and i slept for 4 hours over the course of 72 hours. to say i've been a wreck was an understatement.

i had text my family and told them that i loved them and that they shouldn't ring unless someone was dying because it was all a little too frantic here.

as i waved the chief inspector away on friday afternoon, i breathed a sigh of relief.

then the phone rang.

my sister called. my dad had a call back about his mri.

they've found a growth on his neck.

my mom, being my mom, is not dealing particularly well with this news and has put herself to bed, threatening to hurt herself. my sisters are both crying non-stop and my brother is out partying and trying not to think about it.

that leaves my poor pops on his own watching tv.

i'm 350 miles away but that doesn't mean i won't drive up there. they don't want me yet, i'm better with appointments and operations because i ask questions and take notes.

this is killing me.

my appetite has also returned and then some.

fetch me my reading spectacles

it's been a strange kind of day. there seems to have been some secret and almost invisble-to-the-naked-eye corner turning.

i've been inspired.

i want to sew again. i want dancing lessons. i want to try out for american idol and make out with steven tyler.

there is a very slim chance that any of those things will happen, given that my sewing skills are limited, i can only sidestep, i can't sing (nor do i live in america) and steven tyler will be too busy getting it on with the younger chicks.

none of that matters. it COULD happen.

i can make anything happen.

wow. watch out london. incoooooooommmmmmmiiiiiiiinnnnnnngggggg!

fat is the new black

so tonight i had rather an embarrassing moment. went off to a quiz night held at work. didn't want to go but the numbers were looking low and it was a fundraiser for us so i felt obliged. i persuaded people, used emotional blackmail and finally cobbled a team together. we were never going to win but we were at least going to have a good time.

getting ready, i decided to have a little fun. i put away the muppets t-shirt and hoody i had planned to wear and instead went for something a bit more sexy, more revealing and, of course, black. i added a touch of slap and dug out my schmexy black boots...

yum

once there, we were merrily banding our way through a whole host of wrong answers when the head of the committee told me that as i would be receiving the cash raised from the evening on behalf of our establishment, i was required to make a speech at the end.

whowhatnow?

from that point on, i was in agony. what would everyone think of my clothes? would they talk about my weight? would i have to squeeze past anyone to get to the stage? how could they take me seriously when i'm such a fattie? i had the sweats, my stomach was turning, my head was spinning. all because people would be looking at me. arses. the remaining team members jollied through the rest of the quiz oblivious to my inner turmoil.

then *fanfare* the time came. i took my place. as usual, i started with a self-depreciating joke and went on from there once they were all laughing...at me.

it was fairly painless, i must admit, but i felt sick. my friend leaned over and grabbed my hand, looked me in the eye and said "they love you. everyone loves you. you are respected here and the only person that thinks you're horrible, fat and not worthy is you. and possibly that ugly guy in the corner with the wonky eye." i laughed and we left without a prize but thankful we weren't last.

it got me to thinking about this stupid diet. i've put more weight on since i started it than i have lost. i'm an emotional eater but i eat because i hate myself for being fat and ugly. i hate myself for presenting my awfulness in such a way that people feel it's ok to comment on. i wouldn't go up to someone and say "hey joe, how's your arse off for lovebites?" or "ooh mary, that spot looks really painful. you should try having a wash." why then is it ok for people to tell me that i'd have a boyfriend/husband/more friends/baby if i just lost the weight?

the answer is simple.

it's not.

i have been an enabler.

i have made it ok for people to say things like that to me because i've expected it and, even worse, i've always got the first kick in.

i'm an idiot.

i need to love myself.

question is, how does one go about such frivolity?

answers on a postcard or, you know, write them on here. duh.

nope, not feeling great

despite my current emotional status, i feel i'm standing at the top of a mountain viewing my life's accomplishments to date.

what exactly do i have to show for my time on earth?

don't get me wrong, i'm not into materials. i don't care that i don't have a great car or some flash pad in the city. what i mean is, what have i achieved?

spending the last week in bed has been incredibly difficult for me but was a necessity brought about by a lingering chest infection that sounds more like a small gerbil running excitedly around my chest than anything else. of course i'm ill, it's the holidays. i've worked my butt off day in and day out trying to prove to my boss that i really am worth it (though never quite believing it myself) and in doing so, have exhausted myself. this down-time has led to some serious self-reflection, though how helpful it has been remains to be seen.

that's part of my problem though, isn't it? in wondering what i have to show for my life, i can quite easily negate almost all of my accomplishments because that's just the kind of girl i is. i have a home and a car but they're just things. i have a really good job but i'm never quite coping. i have a loving family but they're not my kids. i found myself happier after my divorce but i'm still single.

i'm not surprised i'm dissatisfied with my life when i really think about it. i spend so much time not letting people down, being the person they expect me to be that there's no time to be me. i'm all about being loved, needed and wanted that i'll do almost anything to fulfil that role, even if it's to my detriment.

it leaves me wondering: if i was truly me, would any of my (ungratefully considered) accomplishments remain?

yummy chocolate cake

Ingredients

Ingredients

• 200g good quality dark chocolate , about 60% cocoa solids
• 200g butter , cut in pieces
• 1 tbsp instant coffee granules
• 85g self-raising flour
• 85g plain flour
• 1⁄4 tsp bicarbonate of soda
• 200g light muscovado sugar
• 200g golden caster sugar
• 25g cocoa powder
• 3 medium eggs
• 75ml buttermilk (5 tbsp)
• grated chocolate or curls, to decorate

FOR THE GANACHE

• 200g good-quality dark chocolate , as above
• 284ml carton double cream (pouring type)
• 2 tbsp golden caster sugar

Method

1. Butter a 20cm round cake tin (7.5cm deep) and line the base. Preheat the oven to fan 140C/conventional 160C/ gas 3. Break the chocolate in pieces into a medium, heavy-based pan. Tip in the butter, then mix the coffee granules into 125ml/4fl oz cold water and pour into the pan. Warm through over a low heat just until everything is melted - don't overheat. Or melt in the microwave on Medium for about 5 minutes, stirring half way through.
2. While the chocolate is melting, mix the two flours, bicarbonate of soda, sugars and cocoa in a big bowl, mixing with your hands to get rid of any lumps. Beat the eggs in a bowl and stir in the buttermilk.
3. Now pour the melted chocolate mixture and the egg mixture into the flour mixture, stirring just until everything is well blended and you have a smooth, quite runny consistency. Pour this into the tin and bake for 1 hour 25- 1 hour 30 minutes - if you push a skewer in the centre it should come out clean and the top should feel firm (don't worry if it cracks a bit). Leave to cool in the tin (don't worry if it dips slightly), then turn out onto a wire rack to cool completely.
4. When the cake is cold, cut it horizontally into three. Make the ganache: chop the chocolate into small pieces and tip into a bowl. Pour the cream into a pan, add the sugar, and heat until it is about to boil. Take off the heat and pour it over the chocolate. Stir until the chocolate has melted and the mixture is smooth.
5. Sandwich the layers together with just a little of the ganache. Pour the rest over the cake letting it fall down the sides and smoothing to cover with a palette knife. Decorate with grated chocolate or a pile of chocolate curls. The cake keeps moist and gooey for 3-4 days.

Cuts into 14 slices

Preparation and cooking times

Prep 30 - 40 mins

Cook 1 hr - 1 hr 30 mins

aarrgghh

*snap*

*rantyrantrantrant*

oh dear jesus, does she even realise how disrespectful she is being right now. i've told her i have no money, i've told her i'm having trouble paying the rent right now. so why is she being such a dick? because she only thinks of herself, that's why.

rent paid? nup
secretly turning the heating up/on all night when t's not looking? yup
boyfriend/looming ex living at t's house for free? yup
arguing with boyfriend into the small hours? yup
sticking posters to bedroom wall with parcel tape? yup
caring what t thinks? nup

we're going to have to have *that* chat tomorrow...

*furious*

not all it's cracked up to be

you know, i often say 'i'm feeling much better now, i'm over that whinging spell' when i'm right at the bottom of the pit of despair.

even i get sick of hearing the 101 excuses of 'why t is pathetic and such a victim'

shit!

that's what my day was about. shit. awesome. who knew my job was going to be so glamorous.

my friend called tonight to tell me that she loved me and that i needed to be more positive because people love me. i know i am loved, i just forget.

i forget because i'm finding everything so much of a challenge that even deciding which undercrackers to wear every morning can have me in tears.

that's not right, is it? *sad*

my boss is mainly unsympathetic. she gave me the promotion and i took it. tough tits.
my friends are trying to be supportive but i push them away because i'm paid to do this work so i'm not about to give it to them to do.

i think i need to crawl into a hole this weekend and use that time to pull my head out of my arse. i sound like a pathetic teenager.

if all else fails, see you at monkeyworld in the summer. i'll be working behind the till. *ching*

crossroads

i'm feeling a little wobbly today. i feel like i'm standing at the crossroads and trying to choose my direction but i'm also aware there's a huge chance i'm going to be run over if i step out on my choice.

my diet and exercise plan has gone well over the last few weeks and though a little sporadic, seems to still be moving in the right direction.

i understand the basic principles, i'm an educated woman. eat stuff, do exercise to burn it off or you'll put weight on. do even more exercise to burn off a little extra. it's science.

the problem is my emotional eating habits. i've been ill for 6 days now with flu and conjunctivitis so bouncing around to my wii active has pretty much been a no no for the last 4 days or so. being confined to the house means that i can't get out to get my weekly supply of fresh fruit and veg. i know what you're thinking - here come the 'why i'm still fat' excuses. it's not that at all, i'm just building up a picture here.

i am so desperate not to be the fattest girl in the room any more that despite being house bound, contagious and ill, i still want to lose weight. i can't exercise, i just don't have the energy. i don't have the energy because i don't have anything fresh in to eat and i'd rather not eat than slip back into my old eating habits.

my problem is that i always go one of two ways: i either binge and hate myself or i starve and love myself. why is that? i don't know exactly but i'm guessing having an anorexic mother who put immense pressure on me to be thin throughout the first 15 years of my life might have something to do with it. as long as the weight was coming off, it was all good. she could't understand why the weight went back on so quickly after making me stay up til midnight exercising and after spending an entire year eating a diet comprising only of cottage cheese, crackers, cabbage and boiled fish. what she didn't see was me eating chocolate bars in the bathroom as i cried because my mother hated me so much she starved me.

don't get me wrong, it's not her fault. she had/has her own issues and that i chose to listen is my call. it's just that i've conditioned myself over the years to think that thin is better than fat and as i've always been fat, i've always hated myself. not just disliked the fat bits. actually despised who i was, what i'd become and what i stood for.

i've always thought i was a strong person. i'm really embracing trying to do things the right way. i am working so hard to eat more, to get my metabolism working, to exercise and burn off those calories in a positive way.

sitting here in my bedroom though, i got a little kick out of losing weight this week even though there was no exercise at all. the thought i'm pushing right to the back of my mind though is 'yeah, but you haven't eaten for two days now either though'.

*yawn*

i accidentally had 16 hours sleep last night.

i was struggling yesterday and so thought i'd just lay on top of the bed at around 4pm to read my book. i hadn't turned the tv off, hadn't fed myself or the cats and i hadn't even locked the door. 16 hours later, i awoke properly (though i had quite an unsettled sleep with lots of nightmares and chases, all told) to find that it was 8am on sunday.

i'm a bit confused by it all and feel like i've wasted my weekend and i'm not really sure where i am. it's all a bit twilight zone. my head is in saturday, my body is in sunday. eek.

an anniversary of sorts

today i'm remembering my friend jennie. 28, married with a 2 year old son and known and loved by so many people. she died 4 years ago today of cancer.

can't really describe how i feel today apart from the obvious 'emotional'. i can't explain why jen's cancer and death hit me harder than losing some of my extended family members. i guess the difference is that i am not crying for myself today. i'm not crying about how much i miss her or how i miss our friendship, though i obviously do, but how awful it was for 'us' as a community to deal with her death and live without her.

rather mystifyingly, jen's illness and death brought me so much. i feel selfish when i admit that through her circumstances, many friendships were forged and i now count many of her family and friends amongst my closest friends. friends in a life that was lonely and loveless, friends who have saved me from a meagre existance.

she wasn't a saint by any means, that's not the purpose of this post. she was a wickedly funny, vibrant and caring friend who had such a massive impact on both my professional and personal life and i'd like to thank her for that today.

love you jen [::]

come on!

get some frigging work done, girl. you can't complain that you have no time to do things if you don't do them when you have the time!

/note to self

i need to remember

how lucky i am.

i've got a good job, my own home, a car and plenty of really good friendships. my family are a bit odd but they're here for me and they care.

i guess it's all too easy to think about all of the negative things that aren't right instead of focussing on the positives.

*note to self* you are awesome!

so, how are you?